Somewhere over the rainbow...

Warning, this post is extremely lengthy and incredibly emotional.

Today I woke up dazed asking Mike what day it was. He told me Friday and I drifted back to sleep. While this may not seem very out of the ordinary to most, these are the moments I long for. I long for the days I wake up and forget he is gone, the moments I forget the pain of not having a father and the feeling that everything in my life is whole again. These moments are rare and I truly cherish them.

Since these moments don't happen often, it's odd that I would experience one today. 8 years ago on July 18, 2000 my life was turned completely upside down. It was the day that my Dad committed suicide and this day has lingered with me ever since. I can't believe how the time has flown, all that has changed and everything I have learned since losing him. It is the hardest thing I have ever endured and has completely shaped who I am, but I am not a victim. I am lucky to have grown from this experience in ways words can not explain and to have an amazing support system as I continue to learn how to live my life without him.

This year has been a different year of grief for me. Usually I harbor a lot of resentment and anger towards him and his decision and forget to remember the things I loved about him. The past three months I have been working on putting a memory basket together in his honor for The Sharing Place's annual fundraiser. This has allowed me to open myself up to the good memories I have of him and while I tend to keep those to myself, I wanted to share them today.

Joseph Kevin Paul Heim or just Joe

He made a killer monkey face that always made me laugh.

He could whistle louder than anyone I have ever met.

When I was three he made me memorize all the Ivy league schools because he was convinced that I would get into one.

He loved roller coasters and anything exhilarating.

He mowed a perfect lawn.

Many people thought he was Mexican because of how tan he was. He loved the tanning salon! Fortunately I got some of his skin and actually tan pretty well for a red-head.

He was a great athlete. He competed in ski competitions, was an avid lacrosse player and lived for golf. He even made a few holes in one.

He made the best homemade salsa and I have the last bottle in my pantry. I don't think I will ever open it.

He also made awesome spaghetti sauce.

He and my mom started the tradition of fondue on Christmas Eve when they were first married. We still retain that tradition and I know I will continue it in our family when we have children.

I only remember him without a mustache once and he looked really strange.

His company parties used to be at Raging Waters and he and I would ride the slides all day long while my mom and brother stayed in the wave pool. My brother didn't inherit his love for thrill rides.

When we lived at our old house he shot a basketball from across the circle and made it. I was amazed.

He loved to get up early.

He was absolutely petrified of cats.

We shared a similar taste in music. I still think of him every time I listen to Alanis Morissette, Tori Amos and the song American Pie by Don McLean.

He was a very dedicated Catholic. We hardly ever missed church and he liked to go to the 7 am mass. I always tried to get him to take me to the 9 am mass because they gave out donuts afterwards.

He loved Jeeps and never had any other kind of car that I can remember.

After I was born he wore a button announcing It's A Girl for 2 weeks.

We would go to Jazz games a lot because his company had season tickets. We were even able to go to one of the Finals games together.

He LOVED sauerkraut and white wine but hated mustard and fish.

His laugh was contagious.

During lent he would remind me every Friday not to eat meat.

He worked at Fidelity Investments for 12 years and would taught me to say Stocks, Bonds and mutual funds and the word arbitrage when I was 3. Again, wanted to get me into an Ivy league.

His favorite movie was The Wizard of Oz. My brother and I danced to Somewhere over the rainbow at my wedding and it says Somewhere over the rainbow on his gravestone.

He was a very handsome man with a great smile.

He graduated from the University of Utah and loved to go to the Ute football games.

He was in the air force and we were able to have a military burial for him.

He was there on my wedding day, I could feel him. It is an experience I will never forget.

He would have loved Mike.

I miss you Dad and wish you were still here. I think we would have been great friends and had a lot more in common than we ever thought. I love you and hope everything is better somewhere over the rainbow where blue birds fly.

Also, I wanted to thank each of those that have made this journey a bit easier for me because without them I don't know if I would be here today.

Thanks to my mom for being the most amazing mom anyone could ever have. You took on so much, sacrificed yourself, your time and your heart so that Nate and I could have the best childhood we could under the circumstances. You were completely selfless and generous and have taught me what it means to be a good mother. I don't think I have ever thanked you for taking on the hard task of planning his funeral, breaking the news not only to Nate and I, but everyone else, handling his estate, putting us in and paying for The Sharing Place and making sure we come out of this experience as unscathed as possible. I have only recently been able to appreciate all you did then and all you do for us now. His death was made easier because I had you and I love you so much for it. Thanks for continuing to put time and money into The Sharing Place because without you and it, I know I wouldn't be as strong as I am. I love you.

To Mike, I want to thank you for not ever discounting my grief and how his death has effected me. Instead of running from the baggage I have, you completely embraced it by wanting to learn more about me through my hardship. It means so much to me that you volunteer and support the organization that saved me and have come to understand what grief is. Not many would do what you did and you did it with complete heart. I appreciate you and your unconditional love so much and am truly grateful for everything you bring to my life. You have never once questioned anything I have wanted to do to memorialize him and it means so much that you always remember his anniversary, his birthday and every other important day of the year. It means even more that you always ask on those days if I wish to go to the cemetery, and while most days I don't, I know you are right there with me on the days I do supporting me all of the way. My dad would have loved you and I only wish you two could have met. You would have had a lot of fun together. I know he had his hand on bringing you to me and on our relationship and wedding day and will be there helping us through the rest of our lives. I love you.

To Laura, I want to thank you for calling him Joe. You are one of the few who calls him by his name and you honestly have no idea how important that is to me. You have made a huge impact on my life all because you call him Joe and ask me questions about who he was, what memories I have of him and allow me to talk openly about him. It is a characteristic few people have and a trait I truly value in you. I love you more than you could ever know and treasure our friendship so deeply. I couldn't imagine not having you in my life and I cherish every moment we share together. We have been through so much together with the loss of Ryan, family issues, huge life changes and growing up and I am confident that whatever life throws at us, we will be able to handle it together, as friends, as family, as Sum and Marissa. I love you bunches and am not going anywhere. You are stuck with me for life.

I want to thank Chris and The Sharing Place for everything they gave to me in the years following my Dad's death. I have never met a more compassionate, empathetic, generous and loving person as Chris Tucker. He has been a godsend in my life and I will never be able to repay him for all the love and friendship he has afforded me over the past 8 years. He truly is an angel and I am beyond lucky to have him as a comfort in my life. I wouldn't have made it through this difficult time without your words of encouragement, wisdom and faith that I could overcome this hardship. You made me want to live again, reach for my dreams and have helped me realize my full potential. I can never put into words how much you have changed me and how much I adore you and your presence in my life. Thank you for being my friend, for guiding me through and for being behind me every step of the way. Thank you to The Sharing Place for helping to lift me up, combat my anger and find peace within myself. You help countless individuals pick themselves up from tragedy and find happiness in their lives again. I am blessed to continue to be a part of such an amazing organization and I look forward to many more years helping you make a difference in grieving families lives.

To Nate, thanks for being such an amazing brother and for enduring this hardship with me. I can't imagine having to do it on my own and I know that this experience has only strengthened our bond and allowed us to become closer. You inspire me more each and every day with the way you handle your own personal grief. The songs you write and the words you say are wise beyond your years and always make me take a step back and appreciate you so much more. I know you will only take good from this experience and will someday make an amazing uncle, husband and father. I love you and the person you are and am looking forward to what the future holds for us. Just know that no matter what, I am here for you and that I will always be there to catch you if you fall because I know you will rise from anything gracefully with a good attitude and pure heart. I love you, thanks for being my brother and don't forget, practice always :-)

Finally to Rod. I always had a difficult relationship with my Dad and wanted nothing more than to have the father/daughter relationship that so many children share with their dad. I was never able to experience this until you came into our lives and now, I do. You are an amazing step-dad that has also embraced the baggage we as a family carry. Thank you for always being willing to learn from us, grow with us and support us as we continue to grieve over my dad. I was so thrilled to have you walk me down the aisle and appreciate all the fatherly things you have done for us over the past 4 years, along with your continual involvement in The Sharing Place. You really are an amazing human being and I couldn't imagine a better step-dad than you. I love you and can't wait to continue learning from one another and strengthening our relationship. Thanks

Do you know what this means?!?!?!

It means Mike and I are spending New Years in the SeaTac with Ben and Spears! I am so beyond excited and can't wait to ring in the New Year with amazing friends! They are wonderful hosts and I know we are going to have a great time! Here's to 2009 and to the Jones' for their hospitality. We love you guys!

While the boys are away... Lauren will blog!

So Mike and Drew headed down to Vegas this weekend for some boys time. Drew comes from a family of NBA trainers so anytime Drew gets some free tickets to sporting events Mike and Drew pack up and go for some quality time together. They are the best of friends and I love the funny phone calls I get while they are gone and the stories they tell when they get back. They still talk about the Seahawks game they went to last year like it was yesterday. Andy really is the most amazing friend and I know he is going to be in our lives forever. I truly cherish his and Mike's platonic love for one another along with the friendship he and I share. He is like the big brother I never had.

Anyway, this weekend it was the beginning of summer camp for the Nuggets along with Drew's birthday so off to Vegas they went. The weekend didn't start off well for Mike, as he got a speeding ticket on the way down but they didn't let it damper their spirits and were enjoying cocktails at the pool by 3 pm, while I unfortunately was still working. He made up for it though by surprising me with a coffee and roses in the morning and booking me a massage at Sanctuary Day Spa that evening. I was really in need of a massage and it was wonderful!

After the massage Laura invited me over for some girl time and to watch So You Think You Can Dance. She is a wonderful friend and always makes sure I have something to do when Mike is away. She takes really good care of me in any situation and I appreciate it more than she knows. Since she was still in Sandy when I finished up with my massage I decided I would run the three miles to her house. The only problem with that is that the only way to get there is via State Street. Well, I was up for the challenge even though she kept trying to talk me out of it by telling me to go for a run and then drive over. She was more worried about me than Mike was! I personally enjoy having a destination to run to so I decided to just go for it. What an experience that was! I don't think I will be running down State Street at 8 in the evening ever again. There were so many weirdos walking down the street, strange smells and creepy cat calls. YUCK! It felt great to finally make it over to Laura's and we had a good time just chatting and talking to the boys from Vegas. Drew kept calling Laura to rub in the fact that they were getting the VIP treatment at Club Rain while we were sitting on the couch in our pajamas. I personally enjoyed the down time with my bestest since I have been so busy lately. Thanks for making me eat wheat bread and for letting me fall asleep on your couch. I love ya bunches!

Saturday morning came way too quickly because we had a wedding to get to by 10 am. Although the day started early it was completely worth it. The wedding, bride, groom, bridesmaids, decor, location and everything in between was absolutely stunning. Every little detail was so simple yet so thoughtful and classic and wasn't like any other wedding I had ever seen. They decided to do a brunch and mimosas for their guests which was such a fun idea and so different. Everything was truly perfect. I had such a great time and was really glad I was able to share in Erin and Brandon's special day with my girls and Seth-la. I did miss my hubby though :-(

After the wedding we headed to The Trolley, which I just love. It's like our real life cheers bar where everybody knows your name. It was nice just to sit with the girls and Seth and catch up since we have all been so busy lately. Around 4 Laura had to go so her and I took off and I ran to the video store to rent the first season of Project Runway. Unfortunately neither Blockbuster or Red Box had it so I just came home, had a bowl of cereal and crawled into bed with the dogs and watched Trading Spaces. Although it was a low key night it was a nice way to end the day.

Since I had gone to bed so early on Saturday night, I was up at 6 am today. I decided to try and be useful instead of wasting the day in bed so I embarked on a day of cleaning. We have a list we have been trying to complete for the past two weeks so I started on that and to my surprise, I got most of it done. I scrubbed the bedroom from top to bottom, steamed our dust ruffle which seriously took 2 hours, vacuumed the entire basement, cataloged our donations to the Friends of MS, cleaned and organized the bathroom, ironed and changed the bedding on both the guest bed and our bed, tried to change a light bulb (both the bulb and the light cover broke so I couldn't change it), did the dishes, organized, cleaned the kitchen and did some laundry. I think this has to be the most productive I have been for myself in quite some time and it feels good to finally be able to check things off our list!

Now I am just waiting for the boys to get home. They just called and said they are driving through Orem so they shouldn't be too much longer. Mike also told me he has a surprise for me so I will let you know what it was tomorrow! Sorry for the long boring post but I am all cleaned and tv-ed out. Hope you all had a good weekend too!

Tide to GO!!!

After spilling coffee on my white top this morning and removing it with my Tide to Go pen, I realized I had never shared my love of them with all you bloggers. The Tide to Go pen truly is one of the best things ever and I am usually never without one. I first discovered it’s magic at The Sigma Chi alumni banquet a few years back after spilling some red wine on my white top. After scrubbing it with soap and water I remembered I had bought one a few days back to try it out it situations such as this. I ran to the car, got the Tide to Go, applied it to the spot and it was gone in minutes. Red wine, white top, GONE! AMAZING!!!

Seriously there have been so many situations in which I have needed and used a Tide to Go. Wine on bridesmaids dresses check, chocolate on a flower girl dress check, coffee on white blouses check, coke on the shirt check, deodorant on a black shirt check, mustard on the jeans check, wine on anything check. I have even run into people in the bathroom trying to scrub away stains and pulled out the pen so they too will be able to experience the wonder that is the Tide to Go. One trick you must know though is that if it is a tough stain you need to apply it a few different times. Apply it, let it dry and then apply again. It usually will come out after the third application and gets lighter each time it’s applied.

I truly believe that everyone should carry one with them always because it will save you and so many that you know from walking around all day with a stain or from ruining clothes. Plus they are only three bucks!

I am an American because...

On the 4th Mike and I along with some friends started playing this game called “I am an American because…”. It’s similar to going around the table at Thanksgiving and saying what you are thankful for, only with a twist. Well, Mike and I are American because we have an 1800 square foot house but only ever use the upstairs which consequently turned the downstairs into 900 square feet of storage with a TV. Well, we decided that it was time to make full use of our house so we finally replaced the disgusting carpet that was in the basement and I can’t even begin to tell you the difference it has made. That carpet had seen countless parties, three floods, many dogs and their potty problems and one big dirty hockey player who owned the house before us. I mean, I can't believe we really lived with that poor excuse for flooring for three years!

After the removal of the old carpet, the demolition of our DI chair (which Mike took a hammer and crowbar to), the giving away of the DI couch, and the installation of the new carpet, it feels like a whole different home. The basement is brighter, more open and smells a million times better. Not to mention it doesn’t have rips from the dogs pulling at it, duct tape, or where pieces of carpet got caught in the Dyson (it's a powerful vacuum not made for cheap old carpet).

I love the new carpet and the feeling of it on my bare feet. I can’t wait to paint and get our new couch so we can really start enjoying the downstairs again. I might also save some money on Wallflowers and odor absorbers since I am not trying to cover up weird smells anymore. If you are in need of some new carpet, The Carpet Guy is great. They gave us an amazing price and were so easy to work with!

Here are some pics of the transformation. It was a lot harder to take photos of carpet than I thought it would be so these don't really do it justice. Guess you will have to come over and see (and smell) it for yourself!

Before

Mike working out some aggression on the chair.

A job well done!

After

Semper Gets Shot...

I am a VICTIM!

So this morning I went out to my car to leave for word and noticed that my glove compartment was open and some notepads from my center console were on the passenger seat. Not really thinking too much about it, I called Mike and asked if he had gotten into my car this morning. He said he hadn’t so I started looking around to see if anything was missing. Sure enough, my car had been broken into during the night! My car is usually parked in the garage but because we are getting new carpet today, we had moved it out into the driveway in order to put stuff into the garage. I guess when I put some stuff into in last night I had forgotten to lock it back up, which is strange because 99% of the time I lock it up, even when it is secure in the garage. The same thing happened when I was 18 and I left the sliding glass door in my apartment unlocked ONE time and awoke that night with a man perched next to my bed. Seriously!!!

Anyway, they stole my make-up bag full of every piece of make up I own, Mike’s new Reef sandals that had just come in the mail yesterday and some Victoria’s Secret items I had in the very back. Oddly enough, they didn’t steal the GPS unit that was on the windshield, mine or Mike’s sunglasses or the I-pod dock that was sitting in the back seat, which leads me to believe it was some teenage girls who didn’t really know what they were after. It’s just so frustrating because it’s not a big enough claim to put on my insurance but it is still about $400.00 worth of stuff. More than anything it’s just annoying that I have to go and replace my make up essentials but won’t have time to do that until tomorrow night. Guess I will be going au natural until then, YIPPEE!

I guess the silver lining to all this is that they didn’t do any damage to the car, I had brought my purse and I-pod inside and that American Express will potentially replace anything that was purchased within the last 90 days. Since both the sandals and the Victoria’s Secret stuff was purchased no more than 2 weeks ago, I most likely will only have to replace the make up. It really could have been a lot worse! I have learned my lesson though and will no longer be leaving anything valuable in my car.

Don’t forget to lock your doors!!!