Somewhere over the rainbow...

Warning, this post is extremely lengthy and incredibly emotional.

Today I woke up dazed asking Mike what day it was. He told me Friday and I drifted back to sleep. While this may not seem very out of the ordinary to most, these are the moments I long for. I long for the days I wake up and forget he is gone, the moments I forget the pain of not having a father and the feeling that everything in my life is whole again. These moments are rare and I truly cherish them.

Since these moments don't happen often, it's odd that I would experience one today. 8 years ago on July 18, 2000 my life was turned completely upside down. It was the day that my Dad committed suicide and this day has lingered with me ever since. I can't believe how the time has flown, all that has changed and everything I have learned since losing him. It is the hardest thing I have ever endured and has completely shaped who I am, but I am not a victim. I am lucky to have grown from this experience in ways words can not explain and to have an amazing support system as I continue to learn how to live my life without him.

This year has been a different year of grief for me. Usually I harbor a lot of resentment and anger towards him and his decision and forget to remember the things I loved about him. The past three months I have been working on putting a memory basket together in his honor for The Sharing Place's annual fundraiser. This has allowed me to open myself up to the good memories I have of him and while I tend to keep those to myself, I wanted to share them today.

Joseph Kevin Paul Heim or just Joe

He made a killer monkey face that always made me laugh.

He could whistle louder than anyone I have ever met.

When I was three he made me memorize all the Ivy league schools because he was convinced that I would get into one.

He loved roller coasters and anything exhilarating.

He mowed a perfect lawn.

Many people thought he was Mexican because of how tan he was. He loved the tanning salon! Fortunately I got some of his skin and actually tan pretty well for a red-head.

He was a great athlete. He competed in ski competitions, was an avid lacrosse player and lived for golf. He even made a few holes in one.

He made the best homemade salsa and I have the last bottle in my pantry. I don't think I will ever open it.

He also made awesome spaghetti sauce.

He and my mom started the tradition of fondue on Christmas Eve when they were first married. We still retain that tradition and I know I will continue it in our family when we have children.

I only remember him without a mustache once and he looked really strange.

His company parties used to be at Raging Waters and he and I would ride the slides all day long while my mom and brother stayed in the wave pool. My brother didn't inherit his love for thrill rides.

When we lived at our old house he shot a basketball from across the circle and made it. I was amazed.

He loved to get up early.

He was absolutely petrified of cats.

We shared a similar taste in music. I still think of him every time I listen to Alanis Morissette, Tori Amos and the song American Pie by Don McLean.

He was a very dedicated Catholic. We hardly ever missed church and he liked to go to the 7 am mass. I always tried to get him to take me to the 9 am mass because they gave out donuts afterwards.

He loved Jeeps and never had any other kind of car that I can remember.

After I was born he wore a button announcing It's A Girl for 2 weeks.

We would go to Jazz games a lot because his company had season tickets. We were even able to go to one of the Finals games together.

He LOVED sauerkraut and white wine but hated mustard and fish.

His laugh was contagious.

During lent he would remind me every Friday not to eat meat.

He worked at Fidelity Investments for 12 years and would taught me to say Stocks, Bonds and mutual funds and the word arbitrage when I was 3. Again, wanted to get me into an Ivy league.

His favorite movie was The Wizard of Oz. My brother and I danced to Somewhere over the rainbow at my wedding and it says Somewhere over the rainbow on his gravestone.

He was a very handsome man with a great smile.

He graduated from the University of Utah and loved to go to the Ute football games.

He was in the air force and we were able to have a military burial for him.

He was there on my wedding day, I could feel him. It is an experience I will never forget.

He would have loved Mike.

I miss you Dad and wish you were still here. I think we would have been great friends and had a lot more in common than we ever thought. I love you and hope everything is better somewhere over the rainbow where blue birds fly.

Also, I wanted to thank each of those that have made this journey a bit easier for me because without them I don't know if I would be here today.

Thanks to my mom for being the most amazing mom anyone could ever have. You took on so much, sacrificed yourself, your time and your heart so that Nate and I could have the best childhood we could under the circumstances. You were completely selfless and generous and have taught me what it means to be a good mother. I don't think I have ever thanked you for taking on the hard task of planning his funeral, breaking the news not only to Nate and I, but everyone else, handling his estate, putting us in and paying for The Sharing Place and making sure we come out of this experience as unscathed as possible. I have only recently been able to appreciate all you did then and all you do for us now. His death was made easier because I had you and I love you so much for it. Thanks for continuing to put time and money into The Sharing Place because without you and it, I know I wouldn't be as strong as I am. I love you.

To Mike, I want to thank you for not ever discounting my grief and how his death has effected me. Instead of running from the baggage I have, you completely embraced it by wanting to learn more about me through my hardship. It means so much to me that you volunteer and support the organization that saved me and have come to understand what grief is. Not many would do what you did and you did it with complete heart. I appreciate you and your unconditional love so much and am truly grateful for everything you bring to my life. You have never once questioned anything I have wanted to do to memorialize him and it means so much that you always remember his anniversary, his birthday and every other important day of the year. It means even more that you always ask on those days if I wish to go to the cemetery, and while most days I don't, I know you are right there with me on the days I do supporting me all of the way. My dad would have loved you and I only wish you two could have met. You would have had a lot of fun together. I know he had his hand on bringing you to me and on our relationship and wedding day and will be there helping us through the rest of our lives. I love you.

To Laura, I want to thank you for calling him Joe. You are one of the few who calls him by his name and you honestly have no idea how important that is to me. You have made a huge impact on my life all because you call him Joe and ask me questions about who he was, what memories I have of him and allow me to talk openly about him. It is a characteristic few people have and a trait I truly value in you. I love you more than you could ever know and treasure our friendship so deeply. I couldn't imagine not having you in my life and I cherish every moment we share together. We have been through so much together with the loss of Ryan, family issues, huge life changes and growing up and I am confident that whatever life throws at us, we will be able to handle it together, as friends, as family, as Sum and Marissa. I love you bunches and am not going anywhere. You are stuck with me for life.

I want to thank Chris and The Sharing Place for everything they gave to me in the years following my Dad's death. I have never met a more compassionate, empathetic, generous and loving person as Chris Tucker. He has been a godsend in my life and I will never be able to repay him for all the love and friendship he has afforded me over the past 8 years. He truly is an angel and I am beyond lucky to have him as a comfort in my life. I wouldn't have made it through this difficult time without your words of encouragement, wisdom and faith that I could overcome this hardship. You made me want to live again, reach for my dreams and have helped me realize my full potential. I can never put into words how much you have changed me and how much I adore you and your presence in my life. Thank you for being my friend, for guiding me through and for being behind me every step of the way. Thank you to The Sharing Place for helping to lift me up, combat my anger and find peace within myself. You help countless individuals pick themselves up from tragedy and find happiness in their lives again. I am blessed to continue to be a part of such an amazing organization and I look forward to many more years helping you make a difference in grieving families lives.

To Nate, thanks for being such an amazing brother and for enduring this hardship with me. I can't imagine having to do it on my own and I know that this experience has only strengthened our bond and allowed us to become closer. You inspire me more each and every day with the way you handle your own personal grief. The songs you write and the words you say are wise beyond your years and always make me take a step back and appreciate you so much more. I know you will only take good from this experience and will someday make an amazing uncle, husband and father. I love you and the person you are and am looking forward to what the future holds for us. Just know that no matter what, I am here for you and that I will always be there to catch you if you fall because I know you will rise from anything gracefully with a good attitude and pure heart. I love you, thanks for being my brother and don't forget, practice always :-)

Finally to Rod. I always had a difficult relationship with my Dad and wanted nothing more than to have the father/daughter relationship that so many children share with their dad. I was never able to experience this until you came into our lives and now, I do. You are an amazing step-dad that has also embraced the baggage we as a family carry. Thank you for always being willing to learn from us, grow with us and support us as we continue to grieve over my dad. I was so thrilled to have you walk me down the aisle and appreciate all the fatherly things you have done for us over the past 4 years, along with your continual involvement in The Sharing Place. You really are an amazing human being and I couldn't imagine a better step-dad than you. I love you and can't wait to continue learning from one another and strengthening our relationship. Thanks