Time to be honest...

Today is a hard day. The past few months have been hard months; March especially. I have tried desperately not to let my emotions overshadow the good in my life, to let my sadness consume me and to try to find the good in this situation. To be honest though, my heart is broken and I am emotionally drained. Some of you know what I am talking about, others don’t but today I decided to share why I feel this way. I need to say it because I am tired of keeping it inside; I am sick of feeling this way alone, and I can’t pretend this doesn’t hurt anymore.

Mike and I have been trying for over a year to get pregnant with obviously no luck. This has been difficult because all I have wanted since I was 14 was to be a wife and mother, but I waited. I waited until I found my soul mate and we really got to know one another. We waited until Mike and I were both done with school and were able to take the time to enjoy life and each other. We waited until we were financially able to have a baby and could afford to have me not work. We waited until we bought a home we could imagine having a child in and making memories as a family. We waited and when we were finally ready to stop waiting; life threw us an ugly curveball.

When we first started trying I wasn’t concerned because I figured it would take a while but after 6 months of no news, I began to worry. I started doing at home testing and that was when I realized something was off. Either I wasn’t ovulating or I was ovulating late, but I knew something was wrong. I began doing a ton of research and found out all the necessary steps we needed to take to make sure we were giving us the best possible chances. After those didn’t work, we decided to go to a fertility specialist. There I was tested and we were told I have a 5% rather than a 35-40% chance of getting pregnant because I ovulate almost 10 days late. This news was devastating to me because I felt so out of control, so helpless and worst of all, like a failure. I never thought I would be 25 and dealing with fertility problems. I thought I already endured my hardship life had for me.

The Dr. suggested I try Clomid to regulate my ovulation, but I had vowed not to start Clomid until we had been trying for two years (I believe it's overprescribed). Mike also wasn't on board with Clomid because he had heard it has a high probability of multiple births and hormonal side effects. He and I agreed to forgo treatment for another year but it wasn't until we didn't have options that I realized what a dagger to my heart not doing treatment was. I felt we had an option and we were just passing on it, and it was killing me. Even though I had committed to try for another year, I convinced Mike to come to another Dr. apt with me. When the Dr. explained how Clomid works, the side effects, the statistics of multiples if used correctly (less than 1%) and how without help I had very little chance of conceiving, we decided to begin treatments in July.

While I should be happy that we have a plan, medication is not a guarantee and I have little hope. All my hope has been washed away with the dozens of negative pregnancy tests and monthly heart breaks. This experience has been incredibly emotional and has changed me a lot. Whether that is a good or a bad thing has yet to be seen. I have cried harder than I have since my dad died, I have experienced heart break for the first time in my life and I have felt every emotion possible all at once. It’s harder than almost anything I have ever gone through and just like when I was 15 and lost my dad, people just don’t understand unless they have gone through it themselves. I am hurt, I am angry, I am numb, I have checked out and even worse, I feel guilty for feeling this way. I feel selfish for being so upset and believe my heart aches are unjustified. I wish I could turn off my feelings because I don’t want to hurt this way anymore. Unfortunately I can’t though. I am broken and don’t know how to fix myself. I guess I am not as strong as I pretend to be.