"There's a Dead Dad's Club and you can't join it until you do. I'm really sorry you had to join"
How could you not want to watch us grow up and be a part of our experiences and memories? How could you not want to protect me from the boys who would break my heart or to give your blessing when I met the man that wouldn't? How could you not want to play softball and lacrosse with Nate or to teach him how to shave and give him girl advice? How could you not want to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day or to be in the waiting room as your grandkids are delivered? How could you put us through this pain, change our lives forever because of your selfish decision? Your choice has left us empty, has left us crushed, has left our life in shambles that we have had to tirelessly rebuild. It's been a battle, it has left us with scars that may be unseen to the naked eye but that have forever formed who we are and will become. Your decision, your death, has evoked an emotion in me, that at first broke me and made me an ugly angry person. Now it makes me strong, empathetic, compassionate and determined. There are days that I wish that you were here and were able to see the woman I have become, to tell me that you are proud of me and dote on my achievements. There are other days I don't. Other days I know that your death has strengthened me in ways your presence never could. This tragedy made me reach down to my core for strength and wisdom and once I reached it, I came to this realization. Although there are days I hate you for what you did, there are days I thank you too. You leaving this earth in such a harsh and violent way has thickened my skin and now allows me to help others who are enduring my same pain. Although it took such a tragedy to unveil my true calling in life, without your choice I never would have found it. There are days I hate you and am glad you are gone and then there are days I would do anything to have you back. But, on this day, I reach down to the pit of my soul and pull out forgiveness. I forgive you for hurting us. I forgive you for crushing us and taking away our childhood. I forgive you for leaving us with complete mistrust for the world. I forgive you for making such a difficult, yet cowardly, decision and I thank you for making me who I am. I forgive you and I appreciate all you have given me because without you I wouldn't be me.
How could you not want to watch us grow up and be a part of our experiences and memories? How could you not want to protect me from the boys who would break my heart or to give your blessing when I met the man that wouldn't? How could you not want to play softball and lacrosse with Nate or to teach him how to shave and give him girl advice? How could you not want to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day or to be in the waiting room as your grandkids are delivered? How could you put us through this pain, change our lives forever because of your selfish decision? Your choice has left us empty, has left us crushed, has left our life in shambles that we have had to tirelessly rebuild. It's been a battle, it has left us with scars that may be unseen to the naked eye but that have forever formed who we are and will become. Your decision, your death, has evoked an emotion in me, that at first broke me and made me an ugly angry person. Now it makes me strong, empathetic, compassionate and determined. There are days that I wish that you were here and were able to see the woman I have become, to tell me that you are proud of me and dote on my achievements. There are other days I don't. Other days I know that your death has strengthened me in ways your presence never could. This tragedy made me reach down to my core for strength and wisdom and once I reached it, I came to this realization. Although there are days I hate you for what you did, there are days I thank you too. You leaving this earth in such a harsh and violent way has thickened my skin and now allows me to help others who are enduring my same pain. Although it took such a tragedy to unveil my true calling in life, without your choice I never would have found it. There are days I hate you and am glad you are gone and then there are days I would do anything to have you back. But, on this day, I reach down to the pit of my soul and pull out forgiveness. I forgive you for hurting us. I forgive you for crushing us and taking away our childhood. I forgive you for leaving us with complete mistrust for the world. I forgive you for making such a difficult, yet cowardly, decision and I thank you for making me who I am. I forgive you and I appreciate all you have given me because without you I wouldn't be me.
"I don't know how to exist in a world where he doesn't". "That part never really gets easier" Instead, you just learn to embrace your loss in order to cope and when you get strong enough you use your strength to help others who join the Dead Dad's Club. "You can't join the club until you do and I'm really sorry you had to join."
5 comments:
I love you Lauren. I have seen you go through those phases and I completely adore and admire the person you have become. You have chosen a bright future instead of gloom. Thanks for sharing, and thanks so much for your example of strength.
Lauren,
you are such a strong woman and I admire who you are. Thanks for being such a great example
Love Brittney
Lauren,
You always write the most tender stuff to Britt. I read what you say and 99% of the time I cry. I am so happy that Britt has such a wonderful soul for a friend. I had no idea you had to endure this amount of pain. You are someone to admire and an example on how to choose a path that has lead to happiness.
Becky
Lauren,
You always write the most tender stuff to Britt. I read what you say and 99% of the time I cry. I am so happy that Britt has such a wonderful soul for a friend. I had no idea you had to endure this amount of pain. You are someone to admire and an example on how to choose a path that has lead to happiness.
Becky
Lauren,
You are an inspiration to all of us. The strength that you hold is something you created all on your own. You have taught me how to take every experience in life and learn from it. Thank you for sharing your strength and support with others. I know that Joe is so proud of the woman, wife, sister, daughter and friend that you have become. I love ya dude.
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